Doom 2016 Lore For Dummies
by 336
Summary: A Bill Wurtz-like rendition of Doom 2016's lore.


So a thousands of years ago there were these people wandering around in a place called Argent D'Nur until they encountered these cool dudes named the Elemental Wraiths who wielded the power of _**Argent Energy!**_

Which was pretty much a source of unlimited magical energy.

"Woah. These guys are powerful." The people said after a few thousand had died.

"Hey. I've got an idea." Said one person who was probably smoking far to much pot. "Let's make a religion out of this."

"What? NO!" Said everyone else.

"Come on. You know you want to." Said the pot-guy.

So everyone started worshipping the Wraiths as gods and getting some sweet benefits and swag from their new found society which lasted a long time and they started bragging to everyone they could find about it and…

Wait…

Do you hear that?

Is that a _**Demon Invasion!?**_

Breaking news! A different dimension named Hell wants to make Argent D'Nur into Argent Dinner and started killing everyone with hoards of Demons who are also planning to take the Wraiths power for themselves!

Question: If you're a Wraith and you want to protect your shit what do you do?

Answer: _**Empower a Night Sentinel!**_

War erupts and Hell is having a really bad time because the Night Sentinels keep kicking them in the balls. For a long time the Demons can't get through their pure Argent fueled testosterone until they do and kill some dudes son.

"Fuck!" Said the dude who then skipped on over to some demon named

-Deeg Grav?

-De-egg G'rav?

…

-Deag Grav?

 _ **Got it!**_

Sad Dude: "Hey Demon that I'm at war with and shouldn't be talking to can you bring back my son?"

Deag Grav: "Sure man just sell out the Wraiths and betray everyone you've ever known and loved dooming your dimension to eternal suffering and I'll bring your son back."

Sad Dude: "Sounds great!"

Deag Grav: "Wait that worked?"

It worked and the Demon managed to curse the Wraiths in their sleep and used their power to make a giant red death laser in the sky which he named a The Well. Everyone berated him for this stupid name but he still got a promotion since without their batteries the Night Sentinels were finished and Argent D'Nur was pillaged and consumed into Hell.

Sad Dude: "But I still get my son back right?"

Deag Grav: "Naw mate, I turned your son into a giant goat Demon head instead!"

Sad Dude: "WHAT?!"

Deag Grav: "Haha get pranked!"

Sad Dude: "..."

Deag Grav: "..."

Angry Dude: "Fuck this! This was a scam! Fuck Hell! Welcome to an eternity of perpetual torment!"

Deag Grav: "Wait, what?"

Then the Angry Dude decides to invent this hip new thing called

 _ **Genocide!**_

And tried it out on the Demons of Hell, killing a lot of them.

Like, a LOT of Demons.

As in.

A _**LOT**_ of Demons.

Up in Heaven a Seraphin was doing some of that weird Heaven shit when she decided to check up on Hell.

"Woah." Said the Seraphin. "This guy is really angry. Hey God, do you see how angry this guy is?"

"No." Said God as he tried to make a mountain he couldn't lift while drinking away his paradoxes.

"He's OP as shit." Replied the Seraphin.

"So nerf him." Said God.

"Ha! Screw that! I'm going to buff him you drunk!" The Seraphin said.

 _ **Woah!**_

Angry Dude just got stronger and faster.

Note: Being stronger and faster means you can

-Kill more powerful Demons

-Kill more Demons

-Kill more Demons Faster

-Kill more things in general

-Probably makes you good at Soccer.

It also made him _**Incorruptible!**_

With over-the-top-hatred Angry Dude single handedly drove the forces of Hell into deeper and darker pits. The Demons started calling hax on his K/D so they called up The Titan. A demon that was _**MASSIVE!**_ Like, bigger than _**Godzilla!**_

Titan: "I am Hell's Champion! Fear me for I have never known defeat."

Angry Dude: "I'm going to rip you in half now."

Breaking news... Again! Angry dude to angry to die has slain Doom Incarnate! That makes him a slayer of doom! Or maybe even…

 _ **The Doom Slayer!**_

Killing the Titan makes Hell really scared but just as they thought they couldn't piss themselves any more Demon Voldemort appears and gives The Doom Slayer some super badass power armor that heals him the more Demons he kills.

Deag Grav: "Don't worry guys. I have a plan to deal with this." He said, trying to get everyone to stop lynching him for bringing The Doom Slayer upon them.

Hell: "This better be good."

Deag Grav: "It is!"

Hell: "Let's hear it!"

Deag Grav: "I'm going to lure him into the blood temple…"

Hell: "Ok…"

Deag Grav: "And I'm going to drop a bunch of rocks on him."

Hell: "...There's no fucking wa-"

It works and The Doom Slayer is removed from his armor and trapped in a stone coffin.

Hell and Deag Grav: "Wait that worked?!"

Thousands of years latter the UAC finds an argent rift on Mars and decides to screw around with it in the name of fixing an energy crisis.

 _ **Oops!**_

Looks like the rift opened up a portal to Hell. No matter! We're the UAC and we can control anything! Let's capture a bunch of demons and make them into super soldiers while screwing around with argent energy to make a bunch of weapons and shit.

We know what time it is.

It's time for

 _ **Another Demon Invasion!**_

 _Hell uses Hell Wave! It's very effective!_

 _-100 UAC faculty_

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"Now Demons are invading the facility! How did I not see this coming!" A giant robot guy named Samuel Hayden said. "I'd better open this box."

The Demons were having the time of their lives invading Mars when they all got a notification on their smartphones. They all then promptly shit themselves.

The Doom Slayer was back and he was naked. His streaking spree wouldn't last long though since his armor was conveniently in the next room. After having a MAJOR LSD trip and discovering that there was a full on Demon invasion going on The Slayer was contacted by Hayden.

"Welcome. I'm Dr. Samuel Hayden I'm the head of this facility. I think we can work together and resolve this problem in a way that benefits us both…"

'Ha. Nerd.' The Doom Slayer thought, throwing away the screen and starting on his Demon slaying rampage through the UAC facility.

Hayden: "Hey… Can you pay attention to me?"

Doom Slayer: _**KILL THE DEMONS!**_

Hayden: "I take full responsibility for this but seriously man I have important info."

Doom Slayer: _**RIP AND TEAR!**_

Hayden: "Ok fine. Here's a powerup and a death count!"

After consuming the red ball of badass magic steroids The Doom Slayer went and stopped the facility from self destructing.

Hayden: "Good. Now that we're working together I have a fetch quest for you. There are argent acumila- Wait! Don't smash it!"

Doom Slayer: **BFG Division Intensifies!**

Hayden: "No seriously that stuff is expensive do you know how long it took to make that stuff?!"

Doom Slayer: **BFG DIVISION INTENSIFIES!**

Hayden: "That's the last one! My life's work! No!

Doom Slayer: **_BFG DIVISION INTENSIFIES!_**

The Doom Slayer tore through the facility blasting demons in half with his super shotgun and sawing them in half with a chainsaw and ripping them in half with his bare hands spraying rivers of Demon blood into every crack on Mars then shutting down the hell portal make by some bitch named Olivia and he went to Hell and killed everything in Kadingir Sanctum to before finding the blood temple where he was locked up and filling it with MORE blood and returning to Mars and killed hundreds more demons through a continuous stream of over the top violence before getting Big Fucking Gun that nerds had made by channeling their inner chad and finding out through another LSD trip induced by a demonic rock that his dope ass sword was stuck in Hell so he went down to the Cyber Demons crib and it was on that hour that the Cyber Demon realized that not fearing The Doom Slayer was a tragic mistake before getting a BFG shoved up his ass and being used as a inter-dimensional taxi to Hell where The Slayer just kinda passed up the dead body of The Icon of Sin and engaged in a boss fight against some creepy looking worms that tried the whole 'fight monsters with monsters' mecha battle thing but it didn't work out for them and they got torn in half as well clearing the way to The Crucible a sword that transported The Doom Slayer back to Mars which pissed off The Slayer because he wanted to remain in Hell so he decided not to use his sword as a sword for a while but continued to use his guns to brutally kneecap the forces of Hell making them limp away from him while he backed up VEGA so he could turn him into a discount Cortana later and then blew VEGA up so he could get back to Hell again where he freed the souls of the Elemental Wraiths disabling The Well for good and after saying hi to the Ghost Sentinels he witnessed Olivia transform into a giant spider brain that had the terminal illness of being near The Doom Slayer and quickly bit the end of the BFG and exploded into a bazillion little bloody pieces which didn't leave much fo-

Knock Knock.

It's _**Sudden but inevitable betrayal!**_

Hayden is fed up with The Slayers shit and steals his sword so he can continue his research before zapping The Doom Slayer away leaving The Slayer wondering why the dumbest things always worked on him.

The End.


End file.
